EDIT: Thanks so much everyone. Great answers. This has been fun. Keep it going as long as you want!
DISCLAIMER: Silly Thought Exercise: NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF REPLACING BIDEN. I personally do not think replacing Biden is a good idea at this stage in the election. I think that’s more dangerous than keeping him, sadly, but he’s who we’ve got. I’m just looking for shitposty thoughts on this question, please and thank you.
What-over-the-top absurd person would you choose to replace Biden who you think could actually body Trump, and why?
For an example, my choice would be based on the idea that the only thing that makes a bully like Trump wilt is a bigger bully. Secondly, US citizens love trash talking and sports and absolutely will vote for someone who is already famous, they certainly love their celebrities. Finally, what better sport for trash talk than basketball?
In that, my choice would be basketball legend Larry Bird. (he’s famously apolitical, so it’s hard to know if he would actually be politically aligned against Trump.)
…but, the thing is, Larry Bird is a masterclass trash talker.
And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he’s been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw. I don’t think he could handle Larry Bird’s level of shit-talk, Bird is like god-tier.
I can imagine Bird calling Trump out and saying he can smell his shit-filled diaper from across the auditorium, obviously Bird would describe more colorfully than I. The thing is, I can also see that absolutely throwing Trump into hysterics.
Also, at 67 Bird’s a fucking spring chicken compared to Biden or Trump.
So, I’m hoping for answers that are a bit silly, like this. Larry Bird is obviously not actually a good choice for this. I just like chuckling at the idea, because real life has gotten so absurd I need to hide in even deeper absurdity.
What’s your absurd Biden replacement? Please, I think we could use some laughs.
It’s Vermin Supreme’s moment
I think Weird Al Yankovic would be the perfect opponent. The absurdity of a political debate where Trump spouts absolute nonsense in a perfectly serious manor while Al lays serious facts in the most nonsensical form would be the show of the century and weird Al has better qualifications for the job by trumps standards having maintained cultural relevancy and financial stability for 4 decades. Plus he’s jest super likeable.
He’s also a perfect counterpoint as a healthy representative of the Christian religion. It’s the reason he doesn’t curse in his songs. He’s a good clean, Christian boy!
Would they let him respond to debate questions in song with his accordion? Dear GOD I hope so.
…with Vice President… hang on I’m having trouble reading this… Hot Saucerman? Shock Jockerman? Trick Shotterman? Yacht Rockerman? Who is this guy??
People would just point out that the whole thing is Al generated though.
If he ever makes another album, I think you just named it.
Weird Al - Al Generated
There are days I just want Terry Crews to run as Camacho. Don’t know where he stands on shit but he can physically crush an opposing world leader and that seems like a start.
Sacha Baron Cohen.
The appeal of Trump’s rhetoric and populist message is entirely subconscious, and doesn’t stand up to even a few moments of critical analysis. Baron Cohen has a genius-level understanding of how to get into people’s heads, and what’s more, he can do it fluently, on-the-fly. His U.S. presidential candidate character would totally dismantle MAGA.
Isn’t he British?
The guy seems to be able to sweet talk his way in to any room and convince people to do and say the most humiliating things on camera. If him being British become an issue I think he can just act his way out of it and somehow everyone will believe him in spite of it being a publicly known fact.
This is fantasy, who cares. Lots of non-US-born people have been suggested and a bunch of fictional people got suggested, so whatever, you know?
I’d take Ali G Inda(White)house.
Yes, but he gets so deep into character, he could turn American!
JohnStewartEdit: Sorry I meant his brother, Jon Stewart
Stewart/Colbert ticket would absolutely rock his orange ass off.
With Presidential Cabinet members Steve Carrell, John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Judge John Hodgman, Jordan Klepper and Lewis Fucking Black.
Lewis fucking Black as Secretary of Defense!
I like Lewis, but he might be a little too angry to be in charge of missiles.
I don’t think he’s angry enough. Cowboy Regan scared the shit out of everyone…Black would Make Everyone But America Shit Again (black trucker cap with MEBASA)
I’m not sure that more loose cannons is the solution to the number we have now. I suppose if he was on a tight leash they could always threaten people to smarten up or they won’t hold him back.
Jon Stewart for president with someone central to Biden’s cabinet who actually knows about politics and the stuff Biden was doing, as VP, to be able to give him on the job training on the actual politics part to match his sharpness level and his heart
For many years I’ve wanted to see that. It would be absolutely unstoppable.
I don’t know John Stewart, but Jon Stewart would be an interesting choice.
At this point I’d take either the superhero or the comedian
Fixed
I’m not even sure if this one is silly as much as it is serious. Too bad Stewart would never want the job!
Not wanting the job is a good thing. That’s how it should be…
I don’t care if he doesn’t want the job
I think Biden has done great stuff (domestically 🙁) and I would expect good policies from him and obviously a dead plant would be a better president than Trump, but his debate performance is kinda hard to put a good spin on
And therefore it is clear that what the world needs to see is a Jon Stewart vs Donald Trump debate
I would be so excited to vote for a Biden/Stewart ticket!!! Jon could continue to do Daily Show Mondays for now, and then take over when it’s time!
Like the emoluments clause matters any more. He can just collect his salary after he leaves office, as a treat.
Just Stewart.
Bill Burr or Jon Stewart, either one of them would absolutely crush Trump on a debate stage and people would line up to watch it.
I can almost hear Bill going “ohhh, shut the fuck up, ya fat ahrange piece a’ shit!”
While I think Jon Stewart would make a better president than either of those jackasses, that would be such a cruel thing to do to such a good person.
I don’t know that I want Jon Stewart as a POTUS, I just want him one on one with Trump and Trump isn’t allowed to leave or call off the debate. Jon Stewart is what the Founding Fathers meant the press to be. They wanted the press to be a 4th check on government outside the separation of powers and not a mouthpieces of the government.
Vermin Supreme, because every American deserves a pony
Leslie knope
K to the N to the O-P-E
She’s the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee… IndianaBut Joe Biden was Leslie’s hero. She’d never run against him.
Taylor Swift. Not that I think she’s absurd. I just think she’d have absolutely zero time for Trump’s bullshit, and would probably write some very cutting lyrics about it.
Let’s not pin cult leaders against each other now
Cult problems require cult solutions
Well, Marshall Mathers in his Slim Shady persona would be interesting. Not sure who I would pair him up with for VP though.
I figure after 4 years of Slim Shady as President, we would either have world peace or the world would be in pieces.
Not sure who I would pair him up with for VP though.
Dude, you forgot about Dre.
Dwayne Johnson is an incredible trash talker by the same logic and would own his candy ass
Stone Cold Steve Austin.
WHAT?
I had thought about some folks in that wheelhouse, too. Sometimes I really wish Macho Man Randy Savage was still around.
I don’t know why my first thought was John Cena
Because Trump would never see him coming.
Mustard or Mayo?
Mr. T
“I pity the fool who doesn’t vote for me!”
Why not go straight for the Ultimate Warrior, get him in a debate with Trump, and make the host cry?
Diane Morgan
…as Philomena Cunk.
Oh my god yes
I wouldn’t have it any other way
No, as Mandy.
A Martha Stewart/Snoop Dogg ticket would be interesting. I kinda want to see Snoop in the debate though so maybe a Snoop Dogg/Martha Stewart ticket.
If you want to guarantee a win though Oprah is the answer. Just to maximize Trump’s rage I say we need Oprah/RuPaul 2024.
forget Martha Stewart – but Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson as heads of the DEA and FDA
Martha would throw biting sarcasm at him until he cried, and Snoop would just laugh his ass off. It would be wonderful.
I found a guy on linkedin that has the same name, just slot him in and pretend nothing happened, wouldn’t even have to change any of the campaign marketing. Dude looks to be in his 20s and manages a coffee place, definitely more than qualified.
I’ve been watching clips of Tig Notaro standup lately. I think her smack talk would go over Trump’s head (most does that is anything beyond anatomical or golf related, tbf) but I would enjoy her deadpan zingers.
Real answer is any seasoned politician under 60 should be able to talk circles around him. Both sounded bad last night, Trump’s only win was in comparison to Biden’s energy level.
I’ve been trying to watch her show and can’t get into it. I’ll give it another shot.
I watched clips of her on late night shows before I tried getting into any of her standup. Her standup is very dry and deadpan. I haven’t seen her TV show of the fictionalized account of her and her wife getting together, doesn’t really sound like my jam.
To me, she is the epitome of “don’t need a lot of formal education to be wicked smart”.
Oh yeah, Tig’s a great choice, a very measured and cool head in response to his drivel.
